Change the Inside before it is ever going to happen on the Outside
Yes! You read it right! You are made for success, each and every one of us. “But Peter, you don’t understand, I just can’t seem to do anything right.”
Now, pause at that last statement, is it absolutely true? Nobody is able to ‘can’t seem to do anything right’. You have done something right before, otherwise, you won’t have graduated, got a job, a family, living your life right now, and reading this article.
The issue usually comes down to the battle that rages between the two of you. The ‘you’ who wants to stop, give up, dislike yourself, or wanting to take life the easy way out; and the ‘you’ who chooses to beat back that which would stand in the way of your success.
If the enemy of your mind can convince you that you are too bad or too worthless, he has set up a stronghold in your mind.
Bob, a low-key type of person, who had been verbally abused by his mother and taunted by classmates in childhood, hated confrontation, and couldn’t stand up to his wife, Belinda’s strong will. In his own way, Bob was as much a prisoner as his wife. He blamed her; she blamed him. Bob was convinced that it didn’t do any good to stand up to anyone; he was going to lose anyway. He thought the only way to get along was to be quiet and accept whatever happened. He always tells himself the he is nobody, and he is not worth anything. His mother had not told him that he was good, worthwhile, and that he was made for success. His friends did not encourage him, and in the years of marriage to Belinda, her criticism convinced him even further that he was a hopeless failure.
It is also interesting to note that Bob has full of anger, he distrust people, avoids them, and his cooperation to coworkers are really low. He loves it when people pretend and no one in the family actually faces problems – living in denial. He doesn’t believe that anything good would last, and that his wife would be unfaithful one day, some day. He simply lives life with no peace and joy. Yes, he becomes a pessimist.
Most of our personality and behavioral patterns streams from the internal dialogue, an inner conversations going on with ourselves throughout the day. In fact, we talk more to ourselves than we do to anybody else. The question is, “What are you saying to yourself?” What do you meditate on? Empowering thoughts? Affirming thoughts? Or do you go around thinking negative, defeated thoughts, telling yourself things like “I’m not talented. I’ve made many mistakes. I’m sure everyone dislikes me.” That kind of negative self-talk keeps million of people from their success.
All through the day they allow defeated messages to permeate their mind and self-talk. They see somebody that’s successful, somebody that’s achieving, and that inner voice tells them, “That will never happen for me. I’m not as smart as that person.” There’s a negative voice (the other ‘you’) on the inside that’s constantly telling you that something is wrong with yourself.
If we make the mistake of allowing this negative self-talk to take root, it not only sadden our spirit, but it also limits how high we can go in life. Many people are living in mediocrity because they are playing that negative recording day after day, over and over again.
Maybe you are living far below your potential, feeling bad about yourself, lacking confidence, and wallowing in low self-esteem. Have you considered that it could be a result of what you are constantly speaking to yourself? Your internal dialogue is negative. You have to reprogram your mind. You have to change that before anything else will change.
Susan had several bad relationships, and after her last broke up, she decided to make herself more beautiful. She went for an external make-over. She looks really gorgeous. But her new relationships with other guys are still always short-lived. She had changed on the outside, but she had not changed on the inside. She was still playing that old negative recording, “Not men can be trusted. They only want me for my body. No guy can ever be happy with me.” She was so angry with her past relationships, she put on new demands on herself, that she must look beautiful every day, she must control the guy, and she would not allow him to talk to female species, no matter how old they are. Her sense of insecurity and a total lack of self-confidence have brought down each and every relationship. She is not successful in relationship because the negative recordings are playing in her mind day after day, over and over again. You have to change on the inside before it’s ever going to happen on the outside.
Personal Standard
If I am asking you, “Are you happy right now? Are you successful?” What do you think would be your answer? If you said, “Yes, I am happy with my life and I am successful” – how do you know you are happy or successful? What basis do you relied on?
Now, let me ask another question, “What has to happen for you to feel __________ (happy, successful, intelligent, etc.)?
The point that I am deriving is that each of us has our personal standard. All of us have criteria. Your answers to the above questions are based on your personal standard. Can you think of someone whom you think are successful but when you speak with that person, he does not think that he is successful.
The different standards form how we behave or who we are in our life. Most of the time when we are upset with another person we are actually not upset with that person, but upset because he or she violates your standards. For example, I am upset with inconsiderate people who would pause at the escalator to answer a call or to send a text message. But since I do not know him personally, I cannot be upset with him, but rather I was upset because he violates my ‘considerate’ standard. Every upset or disappointment results from an upset of your standard. Henceforth, you are upset with the issue not the person.
But as in all standards, it can empower us or disempowered us. This also explains why some people are so contented in life, or why some people are so lazy, or lack of discipline or the reason people never seems to satisfy and wanting more.
Do standards just pop-up? No, it comes from punishment or reward from our previous experiences. Unfortunately, most of the standards are set when we are young.
I met a lady in the plane flying back from Beijing, and she was telling me she want a hubby who must work very hard every day. It puzzled me why ‘must work very hard every day’, so I pursued on this issue. Along the conversation, I found out that her father was a lazy man who refuses to work and she saw how her mother suffered, thus, it becomes her personal standard that husband must work very hard every day.
If you are having a high-level of negative personal standard, which also forms your personal beliefs, you must learn to question it “Is this standard helping me or hurting me? The standard I set on my colleagues and my boss are they feasible and setting me up for greater collaboration or is it bringing me down with more disappointments? The standard I have set for my life, is it bringing me happiness and joy or frustrations and anxieties?” If your personal standards are working against you, I would encourage you to reset those standards and create standards that empower you, not discouraging you.
The Confidence You
If you cannot get along with yourself, you will never be able to get along with other people. It will spread over into every other relationship. Understand that the negative voices always seem to cry out the loudest. You can have ten people encouraging you and one person will come up and say something negative, and that’s what you will tend to remember, especially if that one person is some one of authority whom you respect (fear). You can do a hundred things right (and trust me, you did), and if you make one mistake, you will have to fight being guilty and condemned. As long as you stay focused on the negative, you will have war on the inside.
You may be trying to live in victory, trying to be successful, trying to have a good marriage. But you are negative toward yourself. You don’t feel good about who you are. You are constantly dwelling on your past hurts and pains. Until you are willing to let go of those offenses and start focusing on your new possibilities, they will tie you down right where you are. You cannot have a bad attitude toward yourself and expect to live your life’s best.
Build up the confidence in you, and you will know that you are, indeed, made for success. Let me introduce you the ‘Wheel of Confidence®’ and help you steer your life back to the track of success.
Wheel of Confidence
Positive Opinion of Self – One of the worst things you could do is to go through life being against yourself. I have met too many people who focus on their weaknesses, not realizing that this negative introspective is a root cause of many of their difficulties. They can’t get along in relationships, they are insecure, they don’t enjoy their life, and it is largely because they are not at peace with who they are, in other words, they have a low opinion of themselves.
Stop dwelling on everything that is wrong with you and taking an inventory of what you are not. If you constantly pick yourself apart, you are bound to be depressed and defeated. Recognize that you are changing for the better, that you are making progress day by day. Develop a high opinion of your strength, your ability, your talent, and your creativity. You can’t give away what you don’t have. If you don’t love yourself, you are not going to be able to love others. If you are at strife on the inside, feeling angry or insecure about yourself, then that is all you can give away.
Empowering Personal Standards – Stop telling yourself that you must be perfect in everything – that you must change the world, or be absolutely successful, and every day from the moment you wake up till the night fall, and if you missed one of the set criteria, you felt totally depressed. People who are successful are the one who set the standards they can control and yet, challenging for them to go beyond. Stop setting your personal rules that people must behave this way or that way, everyone is created uniquely. You must learn to respect other people’s behavior and learn to work with their personal standards. Take time to evaluate your personal standards – are they empowering you or disempowering you in productivity and relationships?
Develop an Attitude of Gratitude – You cannot exercise much empowerment without an attitude of gratitude, for it is gratitude that keeps you connected with the empowered thoughts. Without gratitude we become dissatisfied and find lots to complain about. External circumstances in our lives are effects, and the cause Is always in our beliefs, and attitude that we bring to life. Ungratefulness pushes things away. People hunger for approval and appreciation, and they perform better and put forth greater effort under a spirit of gratefulness than under a spirit of criticism.
When you are in a state of appreciation and gratitude, you are in the state of abundance. You are appreciating what you do have instead of what you don’t have. Your focus is on what you have received, and you always get more of what you focus on.
Form Better Habits – Your habits – whether good or bad – will greatly determine your future. Successful people develop better habits. When I was starting out in my career, someone told me “People who get ahead in life usually get there on time.” Since then, it has always been my habit to be on time whether it is for personal appointment or business events.
Many of the habits that we developed stem from the culture in which we were raised. If you grew up in a home where people were disorganized, sloppy, or perpetually late, you may have formed some of those negative habits. Or, if you were raised around people who tended to be harsh, sarcastic, or easily agitated, you may have picked up some of that same behavior. It is no wonder that if you want to change your life, you must start by consciously changing your everyday habits. You cannot keep doing the same things you have been doing and expect to get different results.
Bringing the Best out of People – “No man is an island”, my mum would always remind me, “Invest in people, and they will help to make your life better.” The best way to establish rapport with people and to create successful relationships is to be truly interested in them, to listen with the intention of really learning about them. Instead of focusing on yourself, start focusing on others. When your thoughts are more on others than on yourself, you feel less stress. You can act and respond with more intelligence. Take time to make a difference. Don’t just obsess about how you can make your own life better. Think about how you can make somebody else’s life better as well. There’s no greater investment in life than in being a people builder.
