“Destiny is not a matter of chance; it is a matter of choice. It is not a thing to be waited for; it is a thing to be achieved.” – William Jennings Bryan

Let me begin my article by introducing Lucy, a 42-year old single insurance salesperson. Lucy has been struggling with apathy for years in her lackluster career, divorced parents, and in her life. Lucy’s problems weren’t serious enough to seek for therapy. After all, she had always managed to get by – one way or another. She was a woman who had long ago conceded to a life of self-deprecation, doubt, self-condemnation, and hesitation. It simply becomes her habit. What most people do not realize is that an ineffective, unhappy life is learned.

This is Peter Ng. Welcome to my motivational series ‘Awakening the Power within You’: Learned Insecurity.

The fact that we weren’t born ineffective, unhappy, frustrated, or insecure seems to elude many people. Regardless of what you may think, a life of struggle consists of learned patterns of perception and reacting. And if all your problems are, in fact, learned, then the good news is that whatever trips you down can be unlearned.

The habits of insecurity wanted her to believe she couldn’t handle the challenges of her life – but the truth was she could.

A big part of why we struggle is because we’ve become attached to our problems – our insecurity is the tar and our bad habits the feathers. As uncomfortable and difficult as these habits may be, we’re so identified with them that we’ll actually argue with anyone who suggests that we try to change them with words such as “But, you don’t understand” “Others are luckier, I’m just born to suffer.” And most people would say that leopards can’t change its spots. That’s true, but why do you want to change the spots? It is their pigmentation. We can change its behavior.

If you allow insecurity to echo through your life, don’t expect to have a life, because you will be living with constant fear. Insecurity, if allowed to distort your thinking, will do one thing: it will dictate the quality of your life, which will be riddled with doubt, distrust, and powerlessness.

I sensed from the start that Lucy’s hostility was a defense, insulation against a deeper, more profound insecurity. This insecurity prompts her to protect herself from a hostile world that wanted to ‘hurt’ her. No one can get close to her. Lucy’s insecurity had already established itself as a habit. But what she didn’t realize is that by locking herself in her ‘prison’, she is also locking others out of her life.

No one is born insecure, it’s something you learned. A genetic disposition may influence your life, but it’s not a life sentence.

All change begins with an acknowledgment that the power to transform your life comes from you. The misguided person who rejects personal responsibility is convinced that there is an easier way: if only I strike the lottery; if only, I could get that promotion; if only, I had studied better. ‘If only’ are a statement of despair and an avoidance of responsibility. You can begin the process of change right now, by looking for limiting terms such as ‘if only’ and ‘yes, but’.

Whenever you find yourself caught up in a mental struggle, I encourage you to ask “Do these thoughts serve me or do they hurt me?” Just asking this question was enough to raise your consciousness so that you no longer would be blindly driven by your own insecurity. And by embracing a what-serves-me attitude, you can relinquish your role of a victim to your own insecurity.

Regardless of your current belief, periodically during each day practice allowing yourself to believe that everything you need to have a happy and successful life, you already possess. The important thing is to begin feeling what it’s like to be empowered and not victimized.

Life itself is choice. The person you are at this moment is really the end result of all the life choices you’ve made to date. Just as a building is made of many individual bricks, each life choice you’ve made has contributed to the person you are today – choice by choice. The sooner you learn to take responsibility for the choices you make, the thoughts you have, and the attitudes you embrace, the sooner you can have the life you want!