I came across an odd couple who are in their late-60s when I was having my dinner. The husband hardly talks but just focus on eating his food, his wife was criticizing him about how useless he is. He have signs of unhappiness and anger all over his facial expression, and that is really irritating his wife, who then told him if he is so unhappy dining with her, he can go aside and have his meal on his own. I was observing for a while, and I pull a chair to sit with them. I asked the lady how long have they been married and was told that they have been married for more than 30 years. Then I asked several interesting questions, such as, “Is you husband always so meek?” “Tell me, how was he like when he was in his youth and when both of you are in courtship?”

I guess you know the answers as well – “No, he is actually quite chatty and always full of jokes” and “He is a fun guy, always finding ways to make me happy.” – are her answers.

My next phase is what I termed as ‘Hit ’em hard’ segment. “Why is he behaving this way now?” And I turned to the hubby, smile, looking at him into his eyes, eagerly waiting for his answers. Guess what happens next? He stared at me for a few seconds with both sad and angry expression, and replied, “I don’t want to talk about it” and continued eating. I looked at his wife, who continues to criticize him and telling me that he is always giving the same replies, thus, she gives up talking to him. On that note, I told her, “I really wish you give up talking to him, and start hearing him.” After our 90-minute talk, the wife told me, “I can see now that I was always pretty hard on him. I’ve tried to push him into being the person I thought he should be, forgotten that I actually accepted him as who he was. There was the subtle resentment he had always felt that no matter how hard he tried, he could never quite live up to my expectations. And there were the many harsh comments made to motivate him but that had actually been discouraging and hurtful.”

No, no, no. if you think that this story is the ‘woman’s faults’ kind of story, then you are wrong! The man is giving her emotional withdrawal that she could not take it anymore, and constantly putting up a pitiful look to others showing that he is the ‘poor-thing’ in this relationship. This emotional withdrawal is just as bad if not worse than the lady who is constantly criticizing him. One is verbalizing the affair and the other did it in expressions – but both are sending similar messages to others about the other incorrigible party they had to put up with, and how pitiful they are. And his constant sad-angry-pity-me-look face is similar to the words used by the woman, which is an irritant to her, and that make her wanting to criticize more. Thus, a vicious self-fulfilling prophecy cycles that spins never-endingly.

I cannot let the hubby gets away with his action as well, after using some reflective questions with him, I was surprise when he said, “I thought it is my job to provide clothes on their (family’s members) backs and food on the table; it is the mother’s job to make them (children) feel loved. I did not spend time with her (wife) and did not know how to communicate with my children, except complaining to them about their mother. I’ve been running from close relationship with her thinking that by quit talking I can still maintain a relationship. For years my wife and children had been pursuing me, and for years I have been running away from them (mentally), trying to keep a ‘safe and comfortable’ distance between them.”

When I saw that things are turning around for the better, I told them that the dinner is on me, the man stood up and walked to the exit of the restaurant, paused with a bit of hesitance, and waited for the old lady to join him. She looked at me, smile, and said, “For years, he have not done that (waiting),” She chuckled and then quickly walked towards him.

Dinner was over, but a new relationship was just beginning for them.

The main question to this article: “Why two people who love each other so much turns so bitter toward each other?”

When a person becomes offended and does not deal with that offense correctly, that bitterness often churns so long in a person’s soul that it turns into a root of bitterness. If we do not handle bitterness and it becomes deeply embedded in your soul, your negative opinion of the offender will become firmly fixed. As time passes, your thoughts of judgment against that person will become more developed, rationalized, and established. That root of bitterness will become so firmly fixed inside you that your angry, judgmental thoughts about the person will actually begin to make sense to you.

When ‘root of bitterness’ gets this deeply embedded in your mind and emotions, it is no longer just a ‘root’ you are dealing with; now you have a mental stronghold. That stronghold of bitterness will take a lofty position in your mind and emotions. From that position, it will then present a myriad of logical reasons to explain why you should not have anything else to do with that person and why you should keep your distance from him or her. Bitterness has nothing good to say about the other person. In fact, it looks for negative things to say about that person in order to affect others’ opinions about that person as well.

If you find yourself constantly saying negative things about someone who has offended you or upset you in the past, it may be that a root of bitterness is trying to grow inside your heart. If this describes you, it is essential that you grab hold of that root of bitterness through the act of repentance and rip those destructive roots clear out of your soul! If you don’t, the roots of bitterness will go down deep into the soil of your soul, and eventually you will be filled with the bitter fruit that bitterness produces.

Let’s build PEACE into every relationship:

Patience – Personally, I preferred the term ‘loving-kindness’, because in order for you to be kind and gentle, you first need to put love in the equation. Loving-kindness is a ‘meek and quiet spirit’. Contrary to what most people think, these words do not picture a person who is weak, timid, or soft-spoken. The word ‘meek’ represents in this article is an attitude of warm, forbearing, patient, kind, and gentle. This would picture someone who is just the opposite of a person who is angry, temperamental, or given to outbursts of anger. Although a meek person faces opportunities to react in anger or to get upset, he or she has chosen to be controlled, forgiving, and gentle. Thus, meek people are individuals who have become skilled at controlling themselves and their temperament. The word ‘quiet’ depicts a person who knows how to calm himself and to maintain a state of peace and tranquility. Rather than speak up and utter words that are later regretted, this individual stays quiet and refrains from angry responses. He or she deliberately decides not to be a contributor to conflicts, but choose to be a peacemaker instead. Thus, the actions of ‘meek and quiet spirit’ demonstrate evidence of great maturity. Your might say that loving-kindness is power under control.

Ego-humble – Egocentric person is self-centered, who does things centered in or rising from a person’s own individual existence or perspective. People who are egocentric put themselves first in all things, and they will always have a good reason why their needs need to come first. Imagine what type of relationship will you be able to maintain if you are always treating yourself more important than others or putting your needs before others? If your egocentricity is more important than your relationship than you will always have problematic-relationship. If you are always thinking that your issues are more critical than the other person’s well-being, then you have a big egocentric problem. It is important to have ‘ego-humble’ attitude toward everyone especially our loved ones. In moments when we realized that we are so full of ourselves, and always focusing only on your own needs and demands, with no regard to the other party’s time, space, and needs, we must resist the temptation to act high and mighty and condescending. Instead, we must choose to be humble-minded, to come down to a level where we can be understanding and release a flow of compassion to help instead of becoming a tyrant in the relationship.

Absolute Supporter – in the opening story, the husband responds to a nagging and critical wife by hardening and insulating his heart against her. Instead of drawing closer to his wife, he withdraws from her emotionally. When a spouse comes home from a hard day at work, he or she needs to be greeted by a loving, caring, understanding, and supportive spouse. This kind of relationship makes both spouses feel as if they found a place where he and she can find rest and solace for both their souls. The supportive attitude turns the relationship into that of being a best friend and partner. In any relationship, try to be an absolute-supporter, which is learning to stand-by, support, encourage, and be peaceable with people you loved, and indeed, be that closest friend. God use people to bless people. Lose sight of yourself for the benefit of other people. Reach out to someone who can really need your help and words of encouragement – that is the seed you sow for the harvest you need. Always reach out to help out, and be a miracle to someone else’s lives.

Care – If your action does not touch the other person’s heart and cause him or her to respond on his own, all the begging and nagging in the world won’t change that person. The most influential thing a spouse can do is to let their partner see their ‘conversation’ and not merely hears the conversation. Seeing your ‘conversation’ means not mere words but you live by your caring conduct and behavior, by constantly monitoring your attitude and responses to situations of life. Your conduct is the most influential and powerful message you could ever present to your loved ones. It has no meaning to tell people who much you needed love and care when you yourself is not showing any form of love and care, and to make matter worse, you may be taking the whole relationships for granted, that you only know how to complain, nag, criticize, and demanding more attention, when you are not giving compliments, appreciations, recognitions, and providing more love and care to others. People feels valued when they senses your respect. Let you know a secret in relationship – no one like to live with someone who is constantly complaining, nagging, criticizing, and demanding – it is very tiring. Show love, be proactive in providing need and care, and always letting your spouse know that you are always there for him or her – you are his or her absolute supporter!

Engage with empathy – One of the most intriguing thing in relationships occurs when we made each other felt so special during courtship, but as we grown accustomed to each other, that is when we forgotten how to show our loved ones the tenderness and becoming insensitive and neglectful. We have forgotten that we entered into the relationship with the person because we want that person to be a part of our lives. The fact is, we may live in the same house, eats at the same table, and shared the same bed, yet do not really ‘dwell’ together, living separate lives sharing the same residence, never really connecting with each other. Thus, engaging your loved one is a very important stage in any relationship. We must share our lives with people whom we loved. For instance, what do you do when you come home from work in the evening? Perhaps you are one of those who walk in the door, plops down on the couch, turns on the television, and begins to flip mindlessly through the channels that it is impossible to focus on any single program. Meanwhile, your spouse has been waiting to talk to you all day long, so he or she sits next to you as you flip from one channel to another and he or she will be wondering, “Why doesn’t he turn off the television and talk to me instead?” The truth is, you have talked to people all day long, and you probably do not want to talk anymore. Or you can always be busy with something in your mind. But you have a precious loved one who needs you at that moment. Even more important, that person (be it your spouse, child, parent, etc.) wants fellowship with you because you are the one he or she loves and needs the most. If you truly treasure your loved ones, there will always be time for them, to talk to them, to understand how they are feeling, to engage them into your life and yours into theirs.

One of the most magical elements in relationship is giving and receiving encouragement from each other on a regular basis. It is especially very strengthening to know that someone really cares about you if you are going through challenging times! Make encouragement a matter of lifestyle. Rather than fixate only on your need to be encouraged, try taking your eyes off yourself to see those around you who are also in need of strength. Think of someone whom you can strengthen by coming alongside him/her to speak words of comfort, consolation, or bravery.

Our attempts to understand each other can cause some definite moments of frustrations. Nevertheless, instead of giving in to those feelings of exasperation, we are to put aside our frustration and let compassion start to operate. Rather than rush to judgment and get upset when we do not understand what someone else is saying or doing, we need to reach out to that person with love and try to understand the circumstance, and offer your help without the person having to ask for it. Compassion always produces action.

Complaining won’t change any situation. We do not always get what we want or live in the style we prefer. But if we are not getting exactly what we want and we cannot do anything to change the situation, we have a choice – a) we can constantly complain and make it worse on ourselves and everyone else; or b) we can make a mental adjustment and decide that we are mature enough to handle the situation until things change, demonstrating the love attitude in our lives.

It is essential that we learn to balance the two sides of love – discipline and tender – if we want to communicate to others the deepest, most meaningful kind of love. It is easy to understand the tender side of love, which is basically unconditional love. Discipline love is much more difficult to adopt. But it is required if we know someone we loved is not going on the right track of living, and is going deeper into ‘destroying’ his or her life, such as a wayward child who is lazy and refuses to work, or someone who is addicted to drugs, gambling, or simply wasting their lives away. It is difficult for most people to confront someone else regarding an offense, but sometimes confrontation is necessary. Ignoring confrontation is often what causes bad feelings to turn inward and fester into something much worse. Confrontation may be uncomfortable, but it is a lot less painful than having to apologize later for erupting in a fit of flesh like a volcano that spews destructive lava all over its surroundings or witnessing your loved ones turning from bad to worse, or from laziness to crimes.

Every relationship is a form of joint venture. When you treat someone you loved less than an equal partner, that person can become deeply discouraged regarding the relationship. This discouragement, if not corrected, leads to bitterness, hurt, and hardness of heart. Relationship is not chance but choice; it is having the courage and determination to see it through. When you entered into a relationship treating each other as equal and valued partners in life, balancing every relationship with both tender and discipline love, that relationship will become a powerful synergy. Everybody can give love. Be a blessing to other people, and when you do that, I can assure that you will have victory in life, abundance of joy, favors, and breakthroughs. Everyone is seeking love and acceptance, not criticism and rejection.

Remember, love is both giving and receiving, not simply taking; love is action not mere words. Most importantly, never ever take the one who loves you so much that is doing so ever more for you that you have reached a stage to taking what is done for you for granted. Showing appreciation may not be good enough, do appreciation!

When you invest in your everyday relationship, you are investing into your own life with joy, peace, health, success, and most importantly, love.

Your Favorite Author & Speaker – Peter Ng

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