From time to time, someone would walk up to me says, “I am not happy with life. Don’t know why I am here (as in this world) for.”
To me, people are merely using this as an excuse for not accepting more responsibility in life, claiming that they are accidents who came into the world by mistake and aren’t even supposed to be here!
The only life you can enjoy is your own. Abraham Lincoln says, “Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.” I couldn’t agree more. Happiness does not depend on materials possession or circumstances. It is, indeed, a state of mind.
The first step to enjoying our everyday lives is to accept the lives we have been given. We must not allow jealousy or comparison to cause us to be absent from our own lives because we want someone else’s life. Stop complaining, stop comparing, stop coveting someone else’s life, and stop spending your valuable time wishing things were different – they won’t, because it’s the same you.
The works of the flesh that manifest ‘rooted-unhappiness’ in life can be brought by four common elements:
Hatred – This word expresses the idea of an intense hostility that one feels toward someone else. They have deep issues with each other, holding resentments, grievances, complaints, and grudges that go way back in time and have very deep roots.
If you have hatred in your heart, learn to forgive yourself. “Why me?” you may asked, “I am not the problem; the other person is the problem.” It is only by being able to forgive yourself that you can forgive others. Release that ‘intense hostility’ within you and you will be able to release your offender. Hatred steals joy.
Emily told me that when was in her teenage years, her cousin would always humiliate her, making fun of the way she speaks, comparing his school results with her poor grades, and when he got married, he publicly announces that she will be a spinster for life. Emily have lots of resentment and deep issues with this cousin, and would always tell people how much she hated him, and would rejoice if he is dead. After a couple of sessions with Emily, we realize that her ‘hatred’ for her cousin stamps from the fact that she was envious of his confidence, excellence grades, successful career, and a happy marriage, and the most important of all, his family is generally happy as compared to her quarrelsome parents. Most of the deep issues were actually her own interpretations of things – for example, she used to have problems with pronunciations and her cousin would help her to get the words right, so in her own mind, he is making fun of her; when he showed her his grading report as a way of encouraging her to perform better, she thinks he is showing off; and when he got married, he merely ask her to quickly settle down, she takes it as he is cursing her to be a spinster for life. Most of the time, when we ourselves are hurt, no matter what others said especially people whom we envied, we tends to hear different things than it was originally intended. When she forgives herself for the ‘hatred’ of her cousin, things started to change, and their relationships are so much better today.
Variance – False representations or partial-lies erupts to divide families, destroy relationships, ruin collaborative efforts, and pull apart people who once stood side by side. This element could happen especially if we did not clarify our hurts or confront an issue, thus, the issue could become our perception or agenda in our mind.
I once bought an apartment at a low price, not because I am a good negotiator but because of the circumstance. The family who owned it got into a terrible family fight about the sale of the apartment. The family members who were once so close to each other all took sides in the bitter fight and the quarrel finally divided the family in half! Both sides had their own view and were not willing to compromise. The father and daughter felt that they should sell the apartment and moved to a reasonable government-built apartment, whereas the mother and the son felt that it is time to move to an expensive semi-detach house. The daughter accused the brother of his selfish interest and the brother accuses her of ‘eyeing’ on the sum of money. Everyone was so consumed with its self-interest and self-ambitious that it would rather split and divide than to admit is wrong or give an inch to an opponent.
The flesh would rather blow issues all out of proportion and wreak havoc than to let someone else have his or her way. Do not allow variance to operate in you. At times, it is better to seat all parties down and discuss the pros and cons of the issues, rather than being ‘blinded’ to be always right, and the other party is always ‘wrong’. Variance is a form of self-righteous act. It will divide and ruins relationships.
Emulations – the term used in this article is a negative zeal. It depicts a person who is upset because someone else achieved more or received more. This person is, therefore, jealous, envious, resentful, and filled with ill will for that other person who got what he wanted. As a result of not getting what he desired, the person is irritated, infuriated, irate, annoyed, provoked, and fuming most of the time. He cannot rejoice in life because he is always filling with jealousy with others’ success – be it true or perceived.
I know of a teenager who dislikes going home because he thinks that his mother loves his elder brother more than she love him. He was so full of emulations that he always tries to please his mother in every way he possibly can, most of the time it is either monetary or material gift. Each time, after trying to please his mother but yet cannot received the love he sought after, he will become angry, speaking words and tones that hurts, thus, doing more damage in his relationships with his family members.
Though jealousy is supposed to be a strong force that it will move you to action, unfortunately, it will usually move you to do things that are hurtful or actions you will later regret. So, do not allow ‘emulations’ or jealousy to work inside you. It is a work of the flesh that brings great hurt and destruction. Instead of comparing with others, turn the challenges to yourself, that is, ask yourself, “What do I need to learn in order for me to be much more successful in life?” or “Which aspects of my behavioral patterns is turning people away? What can I do to improve my life?” and my personal favorite, “What need to be done in order for me to live a life more than and better than how I am living today?” Emulations are a form of inner-virus that slowly consumes you to the point that you literally believe that life is unfair.
Wrath – This term is to picture a person who is literally boiling with anger about something. Although the person tries to restrain this anger by shoving it down deeper into his soul, it intermittently flares up, thus, making people around them get hurt, offended, or upset. The trouble with people of ‘wrath’ nature is that they choose to mediate on the perceived offense, and simply cannot let it go. The longer they think about it, the more upset they become. Soon, they are inwardly boiling. They know if they do not do something quick to restrain themselves, they are going to say or do something really ugly – so they shove it back down deep inside in an attempt to keep it under control. But if those angry emotions were never properly dealt with in the first place, one day something will happen that triggers their release. Finally, when that person who made you angry in the first place does something to make you angry again, it will be like someone opens a door on the inside of you, releasing a flood of vile and rank emotions that immediately rise to the surface. That is when you will become unglued, saying things or doing something you later regret and speaking in tones you should never use.
John is always angry with life. He has many desires but none he possesses. He always wanted to run his own consultancy firm; he wanted to own a car (a 3-litre 4-wheel drive jeep, to be precise); he wanted to have his own apartment; he wanted to get married and lead a happy family life. But because of his temperaments, his relationships with people is always failing, he is always filling with envies, resentments, and fuming with rage. Thus, a vicious cycle runs in his life, and he is always saying that the world is unfair. I still remember when John first sat down with me, his first remarks were, “What so good about you that made you are so successful? I am smarter than you. I have double degree, a MBA, and now pursuing my PHD. The world is so unfair. I worked hard, studied hard, and still ended up with nothing. Useless people like you, seems to have everything.” Ouch!
Rather than confront the problem head-on when it happens, the flesh says, “Just shove it down deep, and keep it to yourself.” The problem is, when you shove down unresolved issues, they just keep boiling and boiling deep inside. You may think that the matter is over, but the truth is, those issues are simmering and waiting for the moment of eruption. Even though consciously the person is attempting to avoid confrontation, in the end, its eruption creates a confrontation more scorching and hurtful than ever. It would have been far better to deal with the issue when it first happened.
I know that confronting people and problems can be challenging, but the mature path is to take care of the problems when they first occur. It is the route of the flesh to delay issues and then to erupt in madness. Wrath makes a person feels hopeless and helpless.
It is time for you to put an end to those strongholds that steals your happiness in your everyday life. Now you know the truth, and it also explains why there are people who are never ever ‘satisfied’, ‘contented’; and simply cannot enjoy the blessedness in life. Your happiest moments happen along the journey of life, not at the end of the trip. You are the only one who can make yourself happy. No one can bring happiness to someone who is miserable. When we begin to take responsibility for our own personal happiness and realize that it is through growth and growing experiences, even though they may be painful, that we can become happy, then we are really going to live a joyful life. Someone once told me that there are no friends and no enemies in life, only teachers – how true!
One of the greatest false hopes for happiness is the problem-free plague. People say, “If I just wouldn’t have problems, I would be happy.” No, no, no! Problems have nothing to do with your happiness. In fact, in life we will always faced with challenges.
One small thought for people who always wanted to have bigger roles and responsibilities in life – if you cannot be entrusted with small roles and small responsibilities, how then can you be entrusted with bigger roles and bigger responsibilities? Resolve your own inner ‘darkness’ and you will see the new light shines into your life, and all things will be put into place for your happy life, making all your desires come true. Living in a Me-Myself-and-I World is very lonely and ineffective. You can make the choice to live your life with everyday happiness.
To enjoy today and embrace tomorrow, we must approach life with a renewal of mind and develop new thoughts – a deliberate decision to enjoy your living and whatever you are doing.
